My Wonder...

I've been doing alot of thinking lately...Thinking about ALOT of things...Wondering what the reason is for some things that have happened..and wondering if the things that have happened will go bad for some reason...There is alot of wonder in my blood right now...and I'm not sure where or who to go to to find the answers to all my wonders.

I have been doing alot of praying, I cry sometimes because I don't know really how to pray...I feel like i'm talking to myself sometimes begging the wind to hear me...There was a time way back in my life where things were as bad as I think they could ever get...I was in the shower just crying my heart out...begging and asking HIM to make me feel better...to make all this pain go away...to give me a sign that everything was going to be ok. And do you know what happened. I stood up off the shower floor,( like someone was lifting me up) and I felt a relief like all the worries I had, had just gone down that drain never to be seen again. I feel like that is what faith feels like. It was warming and soooo unbelievably comforting. And low and behold I am at a point in my life that on that day...before the shower...I thought would NEVER come.
I have come to another obstacle in the path of my life...I have been praying and trying to get that feeling back that I had in the shower that day...but I feel as though i'm not doing it right, Is there a such thing as a "wrong" way to pray? Is he not giving me that feeling because it is not going to turn out "good"? Is he mad because I don't go to church?



In the last couple months I have done some "soul searching" I feel this tugging at my heart...like HE is pulling me...I have let go of alot of my worries, handed them over as you could say...I've had a feeling that I'm not in control...whatever will happen will happen and is meant to be...and with that, I have found a calmness...I don't feel as stressed about Life...But i can't help but wonder still what is in store for me and the rest of my life?



"Claire de Lune"....By: Debussy.....AMAZING and soooooo calming...

The Truth is Coming Out....

I am writing this blog tonight to let the fact be known that I am

HAPPY!!!!

There is noone out there that is going to make me feel any different!!!

NOONE!!!

I have spent most of my life trying to make everyone around me happy and that is just not going to happen

ANYMORE!!!

There are things that I am not good at...

lots of things that I am not good at actually...

One of those "things" that I am No good at is telling someone how I truly feel...

So in a nut shell, this blog is about to tell everyone...

No one person in particular...

this is for everyone....

this is how I feel...

and if that bothers someone...

To bad...I've spent my life listening to everyone around me

talk about how miserable they are, and how life is just not going right for them..

GET OVER IT!!!!!

You should be thankful for the things you have!!! There is someone out there right now who would give anything just to have what you have!!!

You have a bed to sleep in,

You have a roof over your head,

You have a job,

You have a family that loves you,

You have a mom,

You have a Dad,

You have a best friend,

You have a warm shower,

You have water,

You have food,

You have a toilet,

You have all your limbs,

STOP COMPLAINING!!!!!!!!!

STOP POUTING!!!!!!!!!

If your not happy with who you are or where you are,

you are the only one who can do anything about it!!!

I thrive off of people who don't depend on others for their happiness,

I thrive on encouraging people to be more than what they think they can be...

I Love when i am encouraged to do something I think that I can't...

and I live for challenges...I dare you to tell me I cannot do something...

I will prove you wrong EVERYTIME!!!!

I've had my faults, I've had my bad days...hell I've had bad years...

we all have, but I will not judge you on something that is in your past...

because it's in your past!!!! DON"T JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!

If there is something you want to say to me than say it,

But STOP making me feel like an outcast!!!

I wouldn't change anything in my past...Because I wouldn't be the person I am today if I did!!!

I can take criticism,

but there is one critism i'm tired of getting,

NEGATIVE about how I am raising my children, or how I take care of my children!!!

I'm done with it!!!

If you don't like the way I care for MY children then go complain about it to someone else...

They are MY children, I spend everyday with them and you don't...

You can not judge how I do things when you are not here to see what happens, or the how things go from one day to the next. To judge on ONE day or to judge on a trip away from comfort...is not a fair way to judge!!!! You have to put ALL the ingredients into the pot before the soup is done...you can't judge until you've tasted it all....

I mean no disrespect as I am writing how I feel, I'm at a breaking point...

I am Happy!!!!

I am HAPPY!!!!

I am HAPPY!!!!

And there is no one who is going to bring me down!!!!!

I have cried,

I have screamed,

I have vented,

I have thought,

and thought,

and thought...

and i'm finally done.

I am HAPPY!!!!

And if you don't like ME for ME...then that is your loss...

I have been walked ALL over by friends in my past...

This would be why I dont' have many...

I REFUSE to be walked on by family...

I have tried for years...

bending over backwards to accomodate those around me...

make it easy for those around me....

and in return I have always gotten the short end of the straw...

I"M DONE!!!

If you want to see me, or you want to see my family...

YOU can make the arrangements...I'm home all the time...

I don't work....I don't go to school...

I am waking up everyday to a

WONDERFULLY HAPPY life...

and if you want to join in...

I'd love to have you!!!

But don't expect me to bend over backwards for

ANYONE

ANYMORE!!!!

So, as I see no other way to end this...

I LOVE you all,

but right now,

I am EXTRMEMLY disappointed.

"I value the person who for me finds time on his calendar,

but I cherish the person who for me does not consult his calendar."

~Robert Brault

Why????

As I am sitting here with this HORRIBLE pain throbbing through my head...

I'm wondering WHY....

WHY....

WHY ...

do there have to be days like MONDAYS....

I never hear anybody say...I hate Fridays...or I hate Tuesdays...WHY MONDAY!!!!

So I should have known how this day was going to go when mike had to leave early to work this morning...And it was an earlier than usual morning...so as soon as that front door shut both of the girls were wide awake, well I heard little bit doing her morning groans...so I rushed to "try to save the morning" and put the binky back in her mouth, but as I rounded the corner to her room...I was startled out of my "half awake" state to my three year old...When or why she was in little bits room...I HAVE NO IDEA!!! all I know is that she scared the CRAP out of me!!! and needless to say I scooped up macey and brought both of them back to bed with me to hopefully grab another half hour of sleep...at least...(but as THIS monday would soon show it's ugly face)...that half hour of sleep was not going to happen.

Little bit had her nine month check up this morning, so after the morning "festivities" I was awake and ready for the day...Or so I thought...

Our Dr. Appt was for 11:00 AM this morning and we arrived a little early to do the whole...Begining of the year "Paperwork" and with it being a MONDAY the office was full when we got there, never in the 3 years I have been seeing this doctor have I ever had to wait so long. I was quit upset...not to mention the fact that I had my nine month old AND my three year old to entertain for AN HOUR!!! YUP and HOUR they didn't call us back until 11:30....and then to get back to the room and the nurse has me strip littel bit to her diaper so they can weigh her...and then tells me she will be right back...then leaves and comes back 5 minutes later...then does the duties and then it takes a good 20 minutes for the doc to come in...and then all HELL broke loose...long story short...We had to leave and come back...(details left out for LONG reading sake) It was 12:30 before we walked out of the office...we went home to have lunch and to call on a very dear friend in a time of need!!! And I am soooo thankful for her!!! Little bit took her nap and we tried to do her test...(ok the doc suspected a bladder infection so I had to put on that bag to try to catch the urine and OF COURSE on this MONDAY...she peed but NOT in the bag....) and so 2:30 I drop Thing 1 off with my "Saving Grace" and thing two and I head BACK to the dr...ONE...to get a new bag and TWO to have a chest xray...

So we get the new bag we have the xrays and we are back upstairs in the dr office waiting room adn we are waitng for little bit to pee in the bag...by this time it is 4:30 and she still has not peed....it is five oclock before she finally pees and we go back to dr room and he proceeds to say that she does in fact have a bladder infection and that the xrays came back fine...so now she need and antibiotic so the prescription is off to the pharmacy...and we are off to get Thing 1...

We make it back to pick up THing 1 and do a littel venting in the process and after retuning to my car I realize I have a new voicemail.... it is from the pharmacy...Telling me that the perscription the doc has sent in is out of stock...and they would like to know what they want me to do about it..Ok first of alll....I"M NOT A DOCTOR so why are you asking ME what to do about it...My first thought would be to call the doctor right???? So by this point it's almost 6:30 I'm so exhausted I just dont' want to deal with anything anymore...I want to go home and crawl into bed and just cry away all the frustrations that this MONDAY has bestowed upon me!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we return home, In the garage....In the house....Coats off....Upstairs...PJ"s ON....TV ON....Little bit fed...Clean up....Kids asleep....MOMMY ME TIME!!!!!!!!

And I must add to this that there was good in my day!!! Yes I know believe it or not there was. My husband...Although he was away and couldn't make it to be with me and help...He made it seem as though he was....his words and comfort just make the worst of things not seem that bad. After we were finishedwith the xrays, i had a missed alert on my phone and it was a text message from him...and all it said was Smile...I love you...and all the tension and frustrations of the day seemed to drop to my feet and a smile did cross my face...and it felt as i walked away from the spot I was standing that I left some of my troubles just laying right there on the floor as if I had just stepped right out of them like a pair of pants. I Love you babe...On a day like today...I'm glad I know I can count on you to make it a little brighter.

SO as I sit here enjoying the quiet, and reading the title of my blog, it is so true...

You win some and you sure as Hell lose some...

And I shall rise again in the morning to face another day....

Bring it on...

My Greatest Fear...

Well,
Atop bees, wasps, hornets, and such...I have an even greater fear.
A fear that something could happen to my children, my husband, even myself.
I read today that an actress, Brittany Murphy,just callasped in her home. It is said that she died of full cardiac arrest. This kind of hit a really soft spot with me because..
1. It is soooo close to the holidays, and i feel as though no one should ever have to lose someone close to them so close to such a happy time. And from now on this holiday will always be remembered to them as the time of year when they lost their loved one.

and 2. Because it just spooks me to know that things like that happen, just one day your here and the next your not. I am thankful for everyday that I am given to be with, or talk to my loved ones.

I once had this dream when I was younger that I have never forgotten, it haunts me and makes me tear up everytime I think of it. Well, your wondering what it is right...Ok, so I don't now remembe rthe details to the dream, I remember there was an accident and my mother and brother died in the accident, I drove past as the car was being put out...At the time not knowing who was int he car, because it was so demolished. But so then after finding out who it was I was left to take care of my other brother...and one day when times seemed so tough,, I received a phone call on my phone, I looked at the phone and it had the weirdest number i'd ever seen, it was like..137kl4...it was weird cause the number had letters in it. But anyway, I answered and it was my brother who had just died in the accident. He was calling to tell me that if I needed mom for anything that this was the number to reach her at in heaven. Ok ok I know yes deep right, ya i know...

I am one who hasn't had to face much sadness in my life. Yes their are the ups and down that everyone has, but I have to say I haven't lost anyone close to me. I dread the day I do. Yes I know it is inevitable, and the day is coming which just make sme treasure everyday that much more.
This time of year makes me soo happy, unfortunately this blog isn't really portraying that very well, but it is true. I am thankful for much in my life!!!
I tell my husband I love him everytime we go to hang up the phone, we try very hard to say it every night before we fall asleep, I tell my girls I love them spontaneously through out the day, just so they know, I kiss them every time we get into the car, just in case...yes I'm sorry depressing I know, but those are the things that make me HAPPY!!! The simple things in life..the "I Love Yous", the just sitting around watching tv not doing anything..all of the moments spent just being happy. I would give anything for it to never change, for my life to always stay as happy and love filled as it is right this minute, to never have to feel pain or sadness. But the day will come where something sad and challenging will happen, and I will know that I have my husband, my children, my family, and my friends who will be there to see me through.
I know this blog was not like the others I have written, this one was really coming from the heart.
My heart goes out to the famiy who lost their loved one, Brittany Murphy, and I hope they are able to celebrate her life and the time that was enjoyed while she was here.
I also want to wish anyone who is brave enough to read this whole post...
A VERY MERRY Christmas...May you get everything you wish for from santa this year, hehe. May you enjoy every minute with your loved ones, tell then how much you love them way to much, take WAY to many pictures, and just be HAPPY!!!

May the sun shine, all day long,
everything go right, and nothing wrong.
May those you love bring love back to you,
and may all the wishes you wish come true!"
~Irish Blessing

Day Two....

Well, Should say more like day three but whos counting. Ha I am...Yes I know my gosl was to write everyday at least a little something...well...When you have two children and it's the weekend before christmas...things are a little crazy.
ok so the rant today is about people who just love their job soooo much.
My husband and I went into wal-mart the other day and the lady who checked us out was just soooo rude...You know I understand that everybody has bad days...but leave it at home and don't take it out on people around you. My favorite is servers...they are the best, (and i'm aloud to talk because i used to be one) But you can always tell when a server is having a bad day... they come late to your table to greet you...they don't tell you their name, they hurry with your drink order and ask if you are ready to order at the same time...then after you food comes you don't see them again til the check!!! I just love those kinds...haha...well, then you have the kind that are obviously having a wonderful day...They hurry over to the table to get your drink order before you have even finished getting your coat off to sit down...they have your drink order back before you could blink, they tell everything that they LOVE on the menu and take your order to the back and then return to your table to tell you their life story, you know how many kids they have or what they were doing after work the night before...trying to be your best friend. HA don't be fooled they are just trying to get a good tip out of ya..hehe..Well, then you have the late night stragglers, the ones that come into eat like 5 minutes before oyu can lock the doors...your tables are clean and your just waiting for the doors to close. Now that would piss anybody off right...well that is when you become the "i've had a wonderful day server" You become their best friend...you "stalk" them making sure that they are going to want to eat and get the hell away from you!!! hahahaha...I loved being a server when I was one...but let me tell you..I would never do it again. My favorite with anybody who just seems to love their jobs sooo much is the "manager" who thinks he is just the high all mighty and he controls all. Or even better the ones that are in that position and don't do anything with it...
Ok I have to share this...
Shopping a couple months ago, I had to use the restroom...Mind you I HATE using public restrooms...So I go in and as you know you have to find the "cleanest" one. Well, the first stall i look in...IS SOO NASTY!!!! Ok to put it kindly...there was "CRAP" ALL OVER THE STALL, it seriously looked like someone just couldn't make it to the toilet in time...On one hand I felt really bad for the person if that was the case, and on the other WHY HAD IT NOT BEEN CLEANED UP!! So I thought well maybe nobody knows about it. SO I found the first person I could and told that them what was wrong in the bathroom and you wouldn't believe what that lady said!!!...And I quote..."you wouldn't believe how many people have already told me and I am soo tired of hearing about it.." So we walked away..got the things we needed and as we were driving away I called the store back and spoke to the manager, who said he was sorry. I was just so disappointed. It sadens me to think that people could really be that way!!! But needless to say we will never be shopping there again!!!!
So that was my vent for the day...

Always give a smile, cause somebody is always having a worse off day than you...

Day One...

Lets see were to begin...

I've done this before...

writing a blog that is...

I have another that I write on..

well ...

I do my best at trying to keep up with it..

So i guess now i'm just trying to torture myself at starting another one right, why do it if I can't keep with the other one...Well, The other one is based mor eon my family...the things we do together and more to keep family up on whats new in our lives. I thought I would write about things that I'm going through. Yes you ask why would you watn to be reading about MY life. Well, don't....I dont' care...this is more of a selfish thing...for me..to write how I feel on certain things and just vent about life in general.

So My first Soapbox session be about....

~

OUR DAMNED NEIGHBORS!!!!!

~

So I like our house.....I like our neighborhood(for the most part) but we do have a couple neighbors that SERIOUSLY must not be thinking with their heads!!!! Ok so the beginning of the week the ones that are across the street from us...were obviously moving out...had the uhaul truck out front and were unloading what seemed like enough stuff to fit in TWO houses. But the best part is...the trash they had PILED in their driveway...You should have seent the trash men on trash morning...they were angry!!! All on their walky talkies and such...it was funny to watch but i kinda felt bad for them having to pick up all that JUNK!!! So the trash men carry away all of this trash, and after they are done, the people come out of the house and start unloading MORE!!!!! Yes i am not kidding you...there has now been ANOTHER pile of JUNK sitting in their driveway since the beginning of the week, and let me tell you, I am not happy to wake up in the morning, open my curtains, and see that pile of shit just sitting their, and to top it off...the house in now empty...now one has come or gone from the house all week...Maybe it's just me, but how could you just leave and not care about what that looks like!!! I would have taken to a dumpster or SOMETHING,,,i sure as hell would not have just LEFT it in my driveway!!!!

~

And even better...ok so the neighbors that live down the street form us, moved in not to long ago, and have lots of animals..well i say lots of animals but they only have a couple dogs and a cat.UGH...... there is this law in our little town that you HAVE to have you pets on a lease if they are outside. These people either didn't get that memo, or they just don't care. Whatever the reason...it just aggravates me to no end that they just let their animals wonder aimlessly around. So the rant I had earlier about the pile of trash across the street...ya so the neighbors downt eh street let their dogs out of the garage...to just wonder of course...and were do you think those dogs wondered to? Well, of course to the big pile of CRAP...and what did they do when they got to the BIG PILE OF CRAP???? Yup they did, they pissed ALL over it. Could it get any grosser...if thats a word...thats just nasty!!! And the cat...mmmm don't get me started on the cat...yup besides jumping into the car of a "good" neighbor unloading things from her car..this cat drives my dog absolutely crazy...the cat chases birds out it's backyard, but in order to do that the cat creeps around our house to get into a good "pouncing angle" i guess...and the dog just goes nuts....and lets not even get started on letting OUR dog outside...I have to look out the window first before letting him out so he doesn't "eat cat". (Our backyards have no fences, just in case your wondering) On many occasions the cat has had some close calls...I just get so angry with people sometimes...Be respectful of others, but obviously not everyone is.

~

Well, on top of all this crap with neighbors, our "subdividion" has aits annual fees for "keeping up appearances" HA if thats not the biggest joke EVER!!! SO we "pay" someone to help "keep up" with the way that our subdivision is appearing to the public. Ok I understand very nice...BUT...and thats a big BUT...If I am paying to make sure that our neighborhood looks good, than why is there trash STILL in the driveway of the people across the streeet??...WHY is there pets wondering around with NO LEASHES??...WHY is there a downed flag pose by the entrance (which has been for at least a week)..and WHY are they trying to tell us they need MORE money to keep up appearances!!!!

I call BULLSHIT!!!!!

~

Well, I guess now that i'm all riled up I will go finish doing some laundry..

HAHAHA

Day one down....

"A positive attitude

may not solve all your problems,

but it will annoy enough people

to make it worth the effort. "

~Herm Albright