My Wonder...

I've been doing alot of thinking lately...Thinking about ALOT of things...Wondering what the reason is for some things that have happened..and wondering if the things that have happened will go bad for some reason...There is alot of wonder in my blood right now...and I'm not sure where or who to go to to find the answers to all my wonders.

I have been doing alot of praying, I cry sometimes because I don't know really how to pray...I feel like i'm talking to myself sometimes begging the wind to hear me...There was a time way back in my life where things were as bad as I think they could ever get...I was in the shower just crying my heart out...begging and asking HIM to make me feel better...to make all this pain go away...to give me a sign that everything was going to be ok. And do you know what happened. I stood up off the shower floor,( like someone was lifting me up) and I felt a relief like all the worries I had, had just gone down that drain never to be seen again. I feel like that is what faith feels like. It was warming and soooo unbelievably comforting. And low and behold I am at a point in my life that on that day...before the shower...I thought would NEVER come.
I have come to another obstacle in the path of my life...I have been praying and trying to get that feeling back that I had in the shower that day...but I feel as though i'm not doing it right, Is there a such thing as a "wrong" way to pray? Is he not giving me that feeling because it is not going to turn out "good"? Is he mad because I don't go to church?



In the last couple months I have done some "soul searching" I feel this tugging at my heart...like HE is pulling me...I have let go of alot of my worries, handed them over as you could say...I've had a feeling that I'm not in control...whatever will happen will happen and is meant to be...and with that, I have found a calmness...I don't feel as stressed about Life...But i can't help but wonder still what is in store for me and the rest of my life?



"Claire de Lune"....By: Debussy.....AMAZING and soooooo calming...

The Truth is Coming Out....

I am writing this blog tonight to let the fact be known that I am

HAPPY!!!!

There is noone out there that is going to make me feel any different!!!

NOONE!!!

I have spent most of my life trying to make everyone around me happy and that is just not going to happen

ANYMORE!!!

There are things that I am not good at...

lots of things that I am not good at actually...

One of those "things" that I am No good at is telling someone how I truly feel...

So in a nut shell, this blog is about to tell everyone...

No one person in particular...

this is for everyone....

this is how I feel...

and if that bothers someone...

To bad...I've spent my life listening to everyone around me

talk about how miserable they are, and how life is just not going right for them..

GET OVER IT!!!!!

You should be thankful for the things you have!!! There is someone out there right now who would give anything just to have what you have!!!

You have a bed to sleep in,

You have a roof over your head,

You have a job,

You have a family that loves you,

You have a mom,

You have a Dad,

You have a best friend,

You have a warm shower,

You have water,

You have food,

You have a toilet,

You have all your limbs,

STOP COMPLAINING!!!!!!!!!

STOP POUTING!!!!!!!!!

If your not happy with who you are or where you are,

you are the only one who can do anything about it!!!

I thrive off of people who don't depend on others for their happiness,

I thrive on encouraging people to be more than what they think they can be...

I Love when i am encouraged to do something I think that I can't...

and I live for challenges...I dare you to tell me I cannot do something...

I will prove you wrong EVERYTIME!!!!

I've had my faults, I've had my bad days...hell I've had bad years...

we all have, but I will not judge you on something that is in your past...

because it's in your past!!!! DON"T JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!

If there is something you want to say to me than say it,

But STOP making me feel like an outcast!!!

I wouldn't change anything in my past...Because I wouldn't be the person I am today if I did!!!

I can take criticism,

but there is one critism i'm tired of getting,

NEGATIVE about how I am raising my children, or how I take care of my children!!!

I'm done with it!!!

If you don't like the way I care for MY children then go complain about it to someone else...

They are MY children, I spend everyday with them and you don't...

You can not judge how I do things when you are not here to see what happens, or the how things go from one day to the next. To judge on ONE day or to judge on a trip away from comfort...is not a fair way to judge!!!! You have to put ALL the ingredients into the pot before the soup is done...you can't judge until you've tasted it all....

I mean no disrespect as I am writing how I feel, I'm at a breaking point...

I am Happy!!!!

I am HAPPY!!!!

I am HAPPY!!!!

And there is no one who is going to bring me down!!!!!

I have cried,

I have screamed,

I have vented,

I have thought,

and thought,

and thought...

and i'm finally done.

I am HAPPY!!!!

And if you don't like ME for ME...then that is your loss...

I have been walked ALL over by friends in my past...

This would be why I dont' have many...

I REFUSE to be walked on by family...

I have tried for years...

bending over backwards to accomodate those around me...

make it easy for those around me....

and in return I have always gotten the short end of the straw...

I"M DONE!!!

If you want to see me, or you want to see my family...

YOU can make the arrangements...I'm home all the time...

I don't work....I don't go to school...

I am waking up everyday to a

WONDERFULLY HAPPY life...

and if you want to join in...

I'd love to have you!!!

But don't expect me to bend over backwards for

ANYONE

ANYMORE!!!!

So, as I see no other way to end this...

I LOVE you all,

but right now,

I am EXTRMEMLY disappointed.

"I value the person who for me finds time on his calendar,

but I cherish the person who for me does not consult his calendar."

~Robert Brault

Why????

As I am sitting here with this HORRIBLE pain throbbing through my head...

I'm wondering WHY....

WHY....

WHY ...

do there have to be days like MONDAYS....

I never hear anybody say...I hate Fridays...or I hate Tuesdays...WHY MONDAY!!!!

So I should have known how this day was going to go when mike had to leave early to work this morning...And it was an earlier than usual morning...so as soon as that front door shut both of the girls were wide awake, well I heard little bit doing her morning groans...so I rushed to "try to save the morning" and put the binky back in her mouth, but as I rounded the corner to her room...I was startled out of my "half awake" state to my three year old...When or why she was in little bits room...I HAVE NO IDEA!!! all I know is that she scared the CRAP out of me!!! and needless to say I scooped up macey and brought both of them back to bed with me to hopefully grab another half hour of sleep...at least...(but as THIS monday would soon show it's ugly face)...that half hour of sleep was not going to happen.

Little bit had her nine month check up this morning, so after the morning "festivities" I was awake and ready for the day...Or so I thought...

Our Dr. Appt was for 11:00 AM this morning and we arrived a little early to do the whole...Begining of the year "Paperwork" and with it being a MONDAY the office was full when we got there, never in the 3 years I have been seeing this doctor have I ever had to wait so long. I was quit upset...not to mention the fact that I had my nine month old AND my three year old to entertain for AN HOUR!!! YUP and HOUR they didn't call us back until 11:30....and then to get back to the room and the nurse has me strip littel bit to her diaper so they can weigh her...and then tells me she will be right back...then leaves and comes back 5 minutes later...then does the duties and then it takes a good 20 minutes for the doc to come in...and then all HELL broke loose...long story short...We had to leave and come back...(details left out for LONG reading sake) It was 12:30 before we walked out of the office...we went home to have lunch and to call on a very dear friend in a time of need!!! And I am soooo thankful for her!!! Little bit took her nap and we tried to do her test...(ok the doc suspected a bladder infection so I had to put on that bag to try to catch the urine and OF COURSE on this MONDAY...she peed but NOT in the bag....) and so 2:30 I drop Thing 1 off with my "Saving Grace" and thing two and I head BACK to the dr...ONE...to get a new bag and TWO to have a chest xray...

So we get the new bag we have the xrays and we are back upstairs in the dr office waiting room adn we are waitng for little bit to pee in the bag...by this time it is 4:30 and she still has not peed....it is five oclock before she finally pees and we go back to dr room and he proceeds to say that she does in fact have a bladder infection and that the xrays came back fine...so now she need and antibiotic so the prescription is off to the pharmacy...and we are off to get Thing 1...

We make it back to pick up THing 1 and do a littel venting in the process and after retuning to my car I realize I have a new voicemail.... it is from the pharmacy...Telling me that the perscription the doc has sent in is out of stock...and they would like to know what they want me to do about it..Ok first of alll....I"M NOT A DOCTOR so why are you asking ME what to do about it...My first thought would be to call the doctor right???? So by this point it's almost 6:30 I'm so exhausted I just dont' want to deal with anything anymore...I want to go home and crawl into bed and just cry away all the frustrations that this MONDAY has bestowed upon me!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we return home, In the garage....In the house....Coats off....Upstairs...PJ"s ON....TV ON....Little bit fed...Clean up....Kids asleep....MOMMY ME TIME!!!!!!!!

And I must add to this that there was good in my day!!! Yes I know believe it or not there was. My husband...Although he was away and couldn't make it to be with me and help...He made it seem as though he was....his words and comfort just make the worst of things not seem that bad. After we were finishedwith the xrays, i had a missed alert on my phone and it was a text message from him...and all it said was Smile...I love you...and all the tension and frustrations of the day seemed to drop to my feet and a smile did cross my face...and it felt as i walked away from the spot I was standing that I left some of my troubles just laying right there on the floor as if I had just stepped right out of them like a pair of pants. I Love you babe...On a day like today...I'm glad I know I can count on you to make it a little brighter.

SO as I sit here enjoying the quiet, and reading the title of my blog, it is so true...

You win some and you sure as Hell lose some...

And I shall rise again in the morning to face another day....

Bring it on...